please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No more Irish car bombs ever.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
