My hair reeks of homosexuality.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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