I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
