I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
