I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
