apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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