Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
