Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
