Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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