I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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