Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
