I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The Olympian is in my bed
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
