I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
