Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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