Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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