Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
