can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
