**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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