the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
