Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize