saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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