for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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