Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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