Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
