Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize