I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
