If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
