I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
