Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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