somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
