The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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