Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
