hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
