just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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