Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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