What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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