he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
