he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
