When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
