The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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