Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
smell my finger.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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