I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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