i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I have aggressive nipples.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
