every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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