Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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