They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
