I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
