I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
