It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
