You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
