You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
