so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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