Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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