Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
