Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize