My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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