I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
