You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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