Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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