if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
