Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize