i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
