The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I got inside last night via doggy door
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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