thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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