the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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