I wish I only lived at night.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
